Hesed @GoodToughStuff@dingdash.com

@HollySaxby Now I want to go back to your story. There is so much to say. Your parental starting point in life sounds so awful. When I read that their divorces caused your family to 'shatter into a thousand pieces' I felt that pain in my own gut.

And then to hear that they went to court over your custody. How must that have felt to you and your brothers?

I have a very UK-Centric knowledge of South African politics, so forgive my naivety here, but it did sound exciting that your mother was part of a courier chain for letters to your future Prime Minister. I guess the life of fear was not a good environment to live in for you though. Horrible to to have an ideological war between your parents to add to all the other disagreements.

I've just seen you were private-school educated. Did what I said ring any bells for you? Were there any boarders in the school?

I also note that you too are a second child. I think being a second child has a particular affect on us.

@HollySaxby Ive been reflecting on why I have felt so free to share with you. When I watched your videos, it struck me how important it was for everyone to be heard. Even me. I have found that impossible to accept until recently. So thank you. The ‘listening anointing’ on you and your ministry is so powerful. Praise God.

@HollySaxby I've written so much that DingDash is throttling back my ability to write any more, or even like your replies. I may be delayed while I let my account cool down!

Now I've told my story, It becomes clearer to me what the shame was about: I had been raised to be a good 'Englishman' and not be emotional, "big boys don't cry" "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" etc. Yet I was hurting inside. Terribly. It made me more sensitive to the suffering of others, and I compared my own suffering to theirs, and I thought that my story was 'a walk in the park' compared to theirs. So I told myself what I had so often been told by my parents and teachers: "Stop being wet" "Toughen up" "Man up". in other words, I learnt to believe that my own suffering was not important enough to be heard. Nobody wanted to listen. Everyone had enough problems of their own, without having to listen to mine. So I felt ashamed to be aware of my own suffering. And learnt to hide it. More and more effectively. I became so good at it, now when I open up, people can hardly believe me, because I appear so 'together'. It's not good. It's not true.

@HollySaxby Part 11
And that brings me up to date. With shame moved away, I am now confronted by the traumas almost constantly. I am trying to find someone to help me work through them and process the memories in a healthy way. At the moment they feel like a large body of water, dark and menacing, held back by a huge dam. The Lord wants to help me, but I’m not sure where to turn. I’m trusting Him, and putting out some feelers. And in the mean time, getting on with serving Him with what strength and health I have available.

@HollySaxby Part 10
And He had been cleaning me up in so many ways, but the consequences of the shame were slowly becoming more apparent to me. The enemy lied to me that since I was deserving of shame, there was no point in dealing with besetting sin: That because I was a disappointment to God I would never amount to anything, so why bother? Except if it had been that clear I would have seen through it. It was just a feeling that lurked around in the shadows as an undercurrent, where shame thrives best. I have read that this is a common thought process among adults who were consistently bullied as children, with nobody to whom to turn.

The Lord helped me move out from under a deep sense of shame which has burdened me for many years.

@HollySaxby Part 9
“Endocrinology is a very new field of science. The first hormone was only isolated 50 years ago. We have probably only discovered 30% of the hormones in the human body. It seems highly possible that the reason we can’t get you more well has to do with hormones we are yet to discover.” What a humble man. I do miss him.

Since being healed of M.E., The Lord has done wonderful things in my life, and dealt with so many areas of physical and inner healing, and most importantly given me a love for and a grounding in the word of God. I am so thankful. Yet there has always remained this sense of shame. I knew some of the scriptures on shame, glorious and liberating, but they hadn’t dropped into the depths of my soul which was deeply wounded and convinced of my deserving of shame. I had cried out to The Lord for many decades to make His Word a reality in this area of my life.

@HollySaxby Part 8
By this time I had left the Anglican church, and moved to fellowship with a healing ministry. Within a few years I was beginning to feel differently unwell. And doctors couldn’t explain why. I was getting visual field disturbance, fatigue, bodily changes, emotional changes, and various seemingly unconnected symptoms, but clearly distinct from M.E. It took several more years before a tumour was found in my head, just under my brain, on the pituitary gland. I’ve told you about this Holly, since you so kindly asked.

Sadly, the normal treatment didn’t seem to be making the expected difference. And I am still a mystery to the top endocrinologists in the country to this day. The top Endocrinologists are still doing tests, tinkering with doses of hormones and tumour-shrinking drugs, and sending me off to get other conditions explored. When one world-leading Professor (who I’m pretty sure was a believer) retired he said to me:

@HollySaxby Part 7
Over half way through now!
My theological library started to become a looming temptation to me, and I knew that my tendency towards pride and arrogance could weaken my resolve, so I asked The Lord what to do with it all. It had cost me thousands of pounds after all, and I really could do with that money now. It seemed the perfect solution to sell it, but The Lord game me no peace to do so. I was kind of relieved, but also intrigued. Perhaps He wanted me to go back to it soon? But within days I knew I had to get rid of it. I have since then taken to reading the Bible alone. It later became clear why The Lord wanted me to make such a radical step, as my health was about to take another chronic decline, and I would become unable to read more than a sentence or two for over a decade. But when those sentences were the Word of God, they were sufficient. It was a period of feeding my spirit on the Word alone. It also became life and health to all my flesh.

@HollySaxby Part 6
Within the space of a year, I had got sick, lost hope, been thrown on the scrap heap (by some), and received a powerful and wonderful deliverance into health, and a clear sign from God that in His mind, my life was far from over!

Part of my journey of healing from the M.E. was repentance. The Lord told me I had developed a pride & arrogance over the Word of God through my years of academic training. I knew it was true. So I repented. That was the first step to a glorious deliverance into health.

I then struggled with The Lord about what to do with all my years of Theological training and the vast theological library I had amassed. The answer came back really clearly. Buy a simple Bible with no notes at all, and read that alone, coming to it several times a day like a hungry man looking for bread.

@HollySaxby Part 5
I suffered from terrible exam nerves, and failed my Biology degree and was kicked out of Uni at the end of the 2nd year. My father ejected me from the family home and told me to make a man of myself alone in the world. I felt rejected and alone.

Soon after I was thrown out of University, I married Sarah, who I had met there. I took many twists & turns, but after 5 years of theological training, was ordained as a minister in the Church of England. Then in the second year of my first job, I became sick. I was off work for 9 months, eventually diagnosed with M.E.. My wife was told by one Bishop that I should retire from the C of E on health grounds. Thankfully there was one man of faith in the picture, and that was my boss, Chris. He contradicted everyone and said that he believed I would be well and back in full harness in my ministry before the 3-year term of the Curacy was up. And he was right.